A Becoming

Reflections on moments when I felt whole

My raspberry leggings press into the royal blue foam mat. My black camisole meets the black material covering the box. Sitting crisscross applesauce, I close my eyes and find my breath. I wonder — what is it like to feel whole?

When I think about wholeness, I think back 24 hours, my butt sinking into the cool, damp sand, the roar of the ocean in my ears, the sun warming my face, and my breath coming easy. My shoulders falling away from my ears. Easeful, and at peace.

I rewind 72 hours, running laps at one of my favorite places. On my last loop, my husband lined up with my boys to all give me high fives. It’s my longest run in nearly two years, and I feel alive.

I go back five months, to the moment where the doctor placed my daughter on my chest, and I whispered, “I’ve been waiting for you my whole life.” After the most intense 30 minutes of my life, I hold my daughter, covered in birth juice, and know without a doubt my family is complete.

I remember, just under two years ago, when I crossed the finish line of my first 10K. I was roughly nine months postpartum, living in Japan, and had spent months building to this distance. I found a bit of “me” running through the hills of Shibuya (Tokyo) with five thousand other women. Immense pride, unshakable joy.

I rewind to two and a half years ago, to the moment my second son was born. He was a bit unexpected, in that we didn’t think we’d get pregnant the first time we didn’t prevent. I suppose God had other plans. I recall a sense of fullness, completion as I held him in my arms the first time.

I recall nearly four and a half years ago, when I first became a mother. My ideal birth plan was thrown out the window when my blood pressure elevated. I was scared and excited. There was abundant chaos as I brought my first son into the world. When I first held his slimy, beautiful body on my chest, I felt a part of my heart now existed on the outside of my body. It felt raw, and like a version of me was born that day, too.

These moments, all a part of my becoming, moments that lead me to who I am as I write these words. And I think that maybe wholeness isn’t a constant feeling, but is comprised of moments in life where we feel complete, ease, peace, joy, pride.

This post is part of a blog hop with Exhale—an online community of women pursuing creativity alongside motherhood, led by the writing team behind Coffee + Crumbs. Click here to view the next post in the series “Whole.”